Being concerned about others’ feelings and always being ready to jump in and help are terrific traits in a friend and partner. But when it comes to your health, being a people pleaser can backfire.
“People pleasers value taking care of other people, and that’s a great thing to value,” Sherry Pagoto, a licensed clinical psychologist and associate professor of medicine at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, tells Yahoo Health. “It would be a better world if we all did, but [for people pleasers] it’s to a point where it can be self-destructive.”
In fact, some people are more concerned with other people’s pain than even their own. In a recent study published in the journal Proceedings of the Natural Academy of Sciences, researchers looked at how much money people were willing to sacrifice to reduce the number of painful electric shocks delivered to themselves or an anonymous stranger. The researchers were surprised to find that most people were willing to pay more money to diminish a stranger’s pain than their own discomfort.
People pleasers are also more likely to overindulge, which can add up to unhealthy weight gain. A 2012 Case Western University study found that pleasers tend to cave to social pressure if a friend is having dessert by matching the amount of food the friend eats just so the friend won’t feel uncomfortable. It’s a way that pleasers maintain social harmony, avoid conflict, and gain the acceptance they’re always striving for.
“Often, people pleasers are afraid of confrontation and will just agree and say yes to most anything to avoid an uncomfortable argument or disagreement,” Susan Newman, social psychologist and author of “The Book of NO: 250 Ways to Say It—and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever,” tells Yahoo Health. But being so focused on taking care of others and feeling guilty or selfish for doing something for yourself, like hitting the gym, means your health and wellness often take a backseat. “It can create incredible anxiety not only because you’re doing too much but also because you’re worried about doing it right and doing it perfectly,” explains Newman. “You’re in a constant state of stress trying to be all things to all or some people. You’ll be tired and your resistance will be lowered, making you more susceptible to colds.”
So how do you know if you’re a tried-and-true people pleaser? Ask yourself these 10 questions:
- Do you feel guilty or that you’ve let someone down if you were to say no?
- Are you the go-to person for family and close friends?
- Do you agree to help others even when you don’t really have the time or resources to do so?
- Are you often pressed for time or late?
- Are you afraid of being called selfish?
- Do you avoid conflict and confrontation?
- Does your relationship or friendships feel one-sided, that you do most of the work?
- Do you fear that people will stop liking you or wanting to be your friend if you say no?
- Do you feel taken advantage of?
- Do you sometimes feel angry or resentful of the person asking for your help but would never say anything?
If you answered “yes” to several or more of these questions, chances are you’re a classic people pleaser. That means you’ve got some work to do, including learning how to say that dreaded “no” more often so you can prioritize yourself and your health. (Credit: Yahoo News)