There are so many things that can make sex difficult, and sexual difficulty creates sexual avoidance. Rather than jump to the worst conclusion or wonder if you should walk away from your sexless marriage, assume that your husband is struggling with something real and that the two of you can work together to remove or overcome that obstacle.
Challenges in the bedroom create an opportunity—to get closer, to get creative, and to let go of old ways of thinking. You may find your relationship is stronger than ever once the two of you tackle whatever turns out to be in your way.
You can do the following:
Approach him with compassion and curiosity about what might be going on. Most of the reasons men avoid sex are rooted in changes or feelings that are difficult for them. They may feel guilty, ashamed, or self-conscious. Adopt a positive attitude of wanting to truly understand what’s happening and work on it as a team. You may have to be persistent if he doesn’t jump into the conversation with you.
If you and your husband have conflict or tension, make sure to resolve those concerns. Get help from a therapist if you can’t make progress on your own. Talk about the things that have been difficult, and commit to working toward a win/win solution. Make sure the two of you are best friends and teammates in life.
Be willing to talk about what you do (and don’t do) in the bedroom. Get out of the rut and do something different. Take longer with foreplay, get physical in a different room, or wear something new to bed. Just being willing to get a little creative together can infuse energy into your sex life.
Stop thinking about sex as being about one particular activity or any particular outcome. Show up to play together and enjoy whatever happens. For folks with more reactive desire, this helps them get started. For anyone worried about performance, this takes the pressure off. Treat sex as just a way to be physically intimate, no matter what happens.